I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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