yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
