I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
