so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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