It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
