at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
