Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
