I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
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