Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
