Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
