i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
