My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
