I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
