Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
she looked like the before picture.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I love you. Go after that dick
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