Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
