Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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