her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
