i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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