I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
