Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
