I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
