Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
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It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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