I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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