What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
