this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
