Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
