Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
