He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
