sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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