I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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