kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
