Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
