Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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