Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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