I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!