i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
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both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.