how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
