I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
