last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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