I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
