Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
