Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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