i wish my penis had a tongue
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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