Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
