tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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