Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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