I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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