bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
