I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
