Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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