The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
