ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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