Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
