I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
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sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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