How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
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