Someone shit on the floor
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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