I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize