So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.