your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I forget how to act sober
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