you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
