I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
