What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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