Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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